The Locus of Victory and Defeat
by Omnicat
Summary: Set around ep 35 or 36. Relena is having doubts, and Heero doesn't like them or his part in creating them.


**Title:** The Locus of Victory and Defeat

 **Author:** Omnicat

 **Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge:** Up to episode 36, "Sanc Kingdom's Collapse".

 **Warnings:** Heero being his usual in-canon Doom And Gloom-y self.

 **Characters & Pairings:** Heero &/x Relena

 **Summary:** Set around ep 35 or 36. Relena is having doubts, and Heero doesn't like them or his part in creating them.

 **Author's Note:** Set between episode 35 and 36 or very early in 36, "Sanc Kingdom's Collapse", before the declaration of war from Romefeller comes in. This might be more meaningful if you understand the concept of of the 'Locus of Control'. But aside from perhaps an extra layer of meaning, it's not really necessary to understand the fic. Enjoy!

 **II-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-I-oOo-I-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-II**

 **The Locus of Victory and Defeat**

Her footsteps were imperceptible across the wide expanse of the basement and her form did not appear within his line of vision, but Heero felt her approach nonetheless. He finished putting the panel he had been inspecting back into Epyon's foot with the hairs on the back of his neck raised, then turned on his haunches and looked at her. Relena was standing on the walkway that circled the basement, her eyes slowly passing through the room as she took in the Taurus suits, lined up like ghastly white manifestations of death - a band of wraiths led by a red devil.

Heero returned to his inspection of the gundam, ignoring her as she ignored him.

She was still standing where he had last seen her when he finished. He wiped the grease from his hands and freshened up at a faucet in the back of the basement before pulling on the dress shirt and waistcoat of his school uniform, which he had discarded in favour of his usual green undershirt as he worked. The _clang-clang-clang_ of his footsteps on the metal stairs and aisles was the only sound to disturb the ventilated silence of the underground vault. He had meant to leave with no more than a nod, but as he approached he found he could not pass her by without some form of acknowledgement.

"Something the matter?" he murmured as he reached her, scrutinizing her face intently while he pulled the uniform's neatly folded cravat from his pocket and tied it around his neck. He noticed how her eyebrows drew together as she blinked into the scantily lit depth before her, how her lips pressed together tightly.

He thought the sight of the mobile suits Noin had secretly smuggled into her kingdom might have displeased her, or the presence of Epyon - tangible proof of his broken promise and a loot more terrible than he could have imagined when he left, half expecting? intending? not to return with as much as his life - disappointed her. When she spoke, his eyebrows quirked in surprise.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"I don't know. For everything. For the way the world works, and for how little I can accomplish in it. For not being able to do more."

"You're doing plenty."

Everything she could, within the restraints of her pacifist ideals; and what she couldn't do, Noin did for her. Whether she liked it or not, she had given them permission. It wasn't a question of ability, but of picking your losses.

Relena shook her head, her gaze turned inward and her expression conflicted. "I wish I could do _more_ , could at least make..."

 _Make you stay._

She wasn't even looking at him, and Heero still had to fight the urge to look away.

"I just don't know how or what. I don't even know how to defend my own country - I need you and Noin to do it for me."

"That's not your fault. What Noin and I are doing won't accomplish much either. This force is too small to do anything but defend this one country, and that only under favourable circumstances."

"At least it's something." She sighed and looked up at Epyon. It wasn't a pleasant machine inside or out, but whatever she thought of it (or what he'd done to get it), her expression did not show it. "From the moment you gundam pilots appeared on the scene, you've been making things happen."

"I could say the same of you."

Relena looked up and made to speak, but he cut her off. He didn't want to hear about her self-doubt and insecurities, couldn't stand to see her like that. It was a burden he did not want to bear - a burden that should not be a burden in the first place. Having no wish to live long enough to see it, why should he care what became of her dreams for the world? Why _did_ he care? Why did he keep fighting so hard for his worthless life and a future he neither deserved nor belonged in? Why couldn't he hurt her feelings without beating himself up about it afterward?

Heero looked up angrily at Epyon, Treize's grand creation that was supposed show the pilot his future - his _destiny_ \- yet refused to answer him no matter how many times he asked.

"The gundams are only successful because of their overwhelming advantage over standard, mass-produced mobile suits. If OZ had anything on the same level, we'd be nowhere; just look at what happened when Zechs showed up in the Tallgeese. If we die before this war ends, everything will go right back to the way it was before we showed up. As far as history is concerned, rebels like us are nothing but expendable symbols if we don't come out on top in the end. But the Sank Kingdom is making people look and work toward better things. The gundams are just firepower to fight firepower with. You offer people an alternative, a guideline, and they're taking it with both hands."

"You don't think the world will forget you so soon?" She sounded baffled, indignant, dismayed - almost hurt. Heero was taken aback by the force of it. Standing in front of him with a look in her eyes that bordered on pleading, she might as well have shaken him by she shoulders and called him an idiot. "How could they, when the gundams have given people so much hope? Your success - no, your mere presence - inspires people to stand up for themselves and oppose Romefeller's degenerate policies."

"I'm not out to be remembered." he said brusquely. "I'm out to fight my battles and get it over with."

Get _everything_ over with.

"But surely you're not blind to the indirect consequences of what you're doing?" she demanded, taking an impatient step toward him. Heero felt his body instinctively tense at the aggressive advancement - imperceptibly, he thought, but her expression instantly softened. "I'm sure there wouldn't have been half as many peace minded nations willing to align themselves with the Sank Kingdom and denounce Romefeller's ways if you, Quatre and the others hadn't been there to give them the courage to act and rouse them to action."

Sadness suddenly washed over her, and this time the sweep of her gaze encompassed Noin's suits as well as his. "I know this is the right thing to do. I can't leave my people completely unprotected. But part of me still feels defeated."

"There is no winning in war." Heero said softly.

"No, there isn't. Not until everybody has stopped fighting and we can solve our problems peacefully. Only then will we be able to speak of victories."

"Maybe."

"No." Relena turned to him with a fire in her eyes, and the answers Heero had been blindly groping around for suddenly seemed to light up in their glow. "When this war ends, it will definitely be a victory. We'll make sure it is."

He was nothing but a moth, helplessly drawn to a fire. And Relena's lonely flame was fast becoming even brighter than the endless inferno of war that had blinded him all his life.


End file.
